The General Commission on Delays and Procrastination (GCODAP) arrived Saturday morning in Portland with very little fanfare.
“We were told there would be folks in green vests at the airport, but there were only hipsters,” said Martin ‘Tardy Marty’ Smith, general secretary. “That should have been our first clue.”
Crystal balls and fermentation equipment were the next clues. When the GCODAP contingent arrived at the Oregon Convention Center, they found themselves attending not General Conference 2016, but Portland’s 14th annual “Home Brewing for Fortune Tellers” event.
A security guard told them that General Conference 2016 was done. But GCODAP was not deterred. “It’ll be done when we say it’s done!” insisted Tardy Marty.
Representatives from GCODAP spent the rest of the weekend lobbying fortune tellers to approve a longer track to ordination and a mandatory minimum length of two hours for all Church Council meetings. Several matters from the General Conference 2012 had been referred to GCODAP, but the required study and discernment had not been completed, due to a backlog of petitions from 1996.
GCODAP also filed a minority report on a petition that passed in 2004. The minority report would have named NSYNC the official voice of the United Methodist Church (instead of Adam Hamilton). Although its timing made the minority report irrelevant, it passed overwhelmingly among the fortune tellers, who were moved to issue a joint statement on Justin Timberlake’s promising career.
Like most United Methodist agencies, GCODAP faces funding cuts and restructuring every quadrennium. “We do worry about staying relevant,” Tardy Marty revealed in an exclusive interview with Beverly Lovage, a prominent local seer. “And missing General Conference 2016 does not bode well for the future of our organization.”
Ms. Lovage, however, was unconcerned. “If the stars tell the truth-- and they always do-- I see a long and healthy future for delays and procrastination within the United Methodist Church,” she said.